Hypervigilant Passenger

Recounting the last car accident.

December 2016. I was 20 weeks pregnant with my little love. My sister had entrusted an elderly friend to bring me and my possessions cross-country. Tom was gruff but kind enough to oblige and take on the drive. Unbeknownst to me, he also was diabetic and didn’t have his symptoms under control. I knew he was a career truck driver, so I blindly put my trust in him.

We weren’t far from home when it became clear that he wasn’t in the right mindset to drive. I liken the scenario to Frogger, but you’re a passenger in this chariot of chaos. Despite being mostly agnostic, I believe there’s a guardian out there watching over my little family. For over an hour, the reckless driving continued. He needlessly sped to over 100 mph, crossed into oncoming traffic, and had multiple near misses.

I did my best to breathe through the anxiety and reassure myself it would be okay…. My hypervigilance and anxiety were off the charts throughout this, as I texted my sister that something was wrong with Tom and he’s not responding to me. He had gone into a diabetic coma just as we left Fredericksburg. I kept asking him to “slow down”, “pull over” – but when he finally pulled over, he floored the accelerator.

Thirteen Cedar trees couldn’t stop that turbo diesel van. One tall strong oak tree did. The tires exploded upon impact.

Photos of the van, taken by my husband, James Davis

Before swerving off the road we almost hit a black Chevy Suburban head on; they turned around when they saw the speeding van lose control. That Suburban’s passengers were US Marines who took the time to come help. I was pulled out of the still-running but totaled van by a kind young gentleman, and his companions stopped the engine, pulled my cat (in his kennel) out of the van, aided Tom, and called for help. The next 24 hours are a blur of ambulances, hospitals, nurses, and endless pokes and prods. I remember my Father-in-Law was the first to the hospital to visit and check to see in person if I was still alive. Thanks, Dad, it means so much.

8 years, 2 months, 9 days (and counting) since the accident, and I’m still haunted as a passenger, and too afraid to try driving again with the flashbacks. Sometimes the medications help, but the hypervigilance is still there. EMDR sessions seem to help for a few weeks, but then I regress and start having panic attacks and hypervigilant reactions return. My body feels like it’s ripping itself apart in an effort to escape the moving vehicle. Other drivers’ reckless driving usually triggers me, but once in a while my husband will swerve in traffic and my stomach hits the floor, feeling as if my body is being pulled into the trees again.

One day I want to drive my own vehicle again, to have that independence, freedom, and control again. I seem to be always reminding myself ‘Your mind is not your friend’. Someday, it might just be again.